expression

tu jahaan mai vahaan

(whereever you are, i'm there)

sang sang yun chaloo tere

(i'll walk along side you)

jaise tera aasmaan

(like the sky above you)

some of my friends have been nagging me to post something new. so here i am posting something of debateable significance. i'm not a fan of the blogs where people write about mundane daily activites. snore. i'd rather read a VCR manual. i usally just write my thoughts on whatever seems important at the time. but i have a hard time actually sharing alot of what i write. and especially now due to the pressure of incessant nagging. :) so here is something i wrote a while ago. oddly enough, on the subject of writing itself.

i'm not so pretentious to call myself a "writer" but, as one who writes often, it's funny how you think. i'm not sure if writers experience this, thoughts that are so complex, its a wonder how they are confined to paper. sometimes i get thoughts so complex, i can't even remember them in my head. maybe that is how it is meant to be. great thoughts, while, you cant remember them, nonetheless leave an impact. another irony is how someone, like myself, who is articulate and has a flair for communicating, has the most trouble communicating what i want. not as in, what i want as a possession, or where i want to live, or even my goals for tomorrow. but my real desires. desire is so much more different than want. want gives the implication of not discerning how deep a level that want goes. and it can be quite superficial. but desire has the understanding that they reside somewhere deep inside a person. depths that few can open up, or may even be indiscernible to the person. i have a lock on my thoughts and desires like the club to a steering wheel. i'd like to be able to open up more, but it is such a hard thing to change.

so for now there will be the lucky few who'll be able to reach me on that level. especially the few who nag me to death. :)

refund

these tears stain the wood, like cups and condensation

i am bound to you i cannot break the situation

wouldn't it be a novel idea if you could ask somebody for your heart back? things just don't work out the way you planned, or the relationship takes a wrong turn... no worries, full refund for the loverlorn. it's just like money-- if you dont get that money back, how else are you supposed to offer it up to the next person? much on the same level, is it fair to the next person if people in your past still hold your heart? of course not.

to get your cardiac refund, just head to the Battered, Bruised, and Broken Hearts department of Target.

easier said than done.

reminiscent

Ay amor, me duele tanto

me duele tanto

Que te fueras sin decir a donde

Ay amor, fue una tortura perderte

i love going through old journals. i came across something that i wanted to share. a little morsel of big wisdom from a good friend. it resonated so much with me back then that i wrote it down:

"'if'... is a ticket to an eternal preoccupation with the past and with how it could have been. the fact remains we can only make today's choices with today's information, wisdom, and providence."

if: another word that i need to eliminate from my vocabulary.

tangential

i like the way you touch me in places
i heat up and my heart races
deeper, i'm falling in love

clocking in at 2:45 a.m., its apparent that sleep will merely be an elusive concept tonight. my head is swimming with a million, irrelevant thoughts and they won't seem to stop. my brain is playing a marathon game of hopscotch and i want out. some things i can't get out of my head:

* is the concept of a "soulmate" the real deal? or a load of bullshit? can you have more than one? how do you know if someone is the mate for your soul? does being a soulmate necessitate a romantic aspect in the first place? and is it possible that one can have a soulmate, but said soulmate is not necessarily who you are meant to be with? if so... then what is the point?

* i'd love to move. soon. a new city. new people. a real start to an adult life. i just can't seem to move fast enough in that direction.

* i really want kids. my own family. something about summer revs up that maternal desire. (or maybe it revs something else up) if only it were more socially acceptable to have the carriage before the horse...

* the Black Eyed Peas were so much better pre-Fergie. am I alone on this? her voice is good but she seems so fake- more than your average run-of-the-mill popstar. pop in behind the front and listen to "joints and jam." yeah, i told you so.

* when did i get so cynical? i have no recollection of being so jaded before. will life ever lead me back to where i lost my rose-colored glasses and optimism? or should i just embrace and accept this new view?

* WHY CAN'T I SLEEP?

* i often have elaborate, far-fetched dreams of settling down with a musician. a real rock star. not a jon bon jovi type rockstar. his music is too cheesy and the feathered hair weirds me out. i prefer john mayer-esque, singer-songwriter musician types, fully equipped with an acoustic guitar. someone like this.

* speaking of michael tolcher... i met him! sunday night at summerfest. he was taking pictures and signing stuff at the merch table. since we were still waiting for gavin de graw to get on stage, i decided i'd try to meet him. amidst a throng of bottle-blonde 15 year olds, i waited patiently to talk to michael. saving the best for last, michael finally turned to talk to me. and as he signed my shirt, i said: "I am a big fan of your music. i bought your album before it was released. i'm so glad you're doing well and good luck with your music, the tour and everything else."
michael then said "thank you." *cue brilliant and adorable smile* "that is the nicest thing i've heard all week." and then he proceeded to give me a hug. ha! i didn't even need to ASK for one. he just wanted some sweet fatima lovin'(TM). he even asked which songs i liked best off the album and why. he seemed very nice and down to earth. and as we hugged, i proceeded to melt in a puddle. right there. in his arms. its a wonder how i'm even typing this entry in my liquid state. i'm contemplating becoming a groupie. can one become a groupie if the musician is still under the radar?? i'm willing to find out.
in retrospect, i wish i had been more candid with him. i would have said something more like "i love your music. the songs are great. blah, blah blah. what do you say we go back on the bus and i'll let you 'feel the deen?'"

world view

per the folks at quizfarm.com, i am a cultural creative.

Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.

Cultural Creative: 69%
Postmodernist: 63%
Romanticist: 56%
Existentialist: 50%
Fundamentalist: 38%
Modernist: 31%
Idealist: 31%
Materialist: 25%

what's your world view?

video clip fun

come baby, let's drown, in feathers and down

yes, it is true i am an html genius. well actually, more like a copycat, but what's the difference? thanks to citrusmoon for the background. comments por favor on the new look.

like the legions of apple fans, i am a sucker for their saavy marketing skills and a fan of all that is ipod. i drool over their gadgets. i'm in awe of how they are packaged and marketed. and i really like the commercials. so, naturally i really liked this spoof of an ad for a indian dance competition in nyc.

i have realized what i am looking for in a man. if a guy did this, he'd win my love. in a heartbeat.

daughters

i'm a fountain of blood, in the shape of a girl...

with so much time on my hands, i've been brooding about a lot of things. i just don't understand why "we" have such little faith in our girls? our sisters? our women? when i say "we" it encompasses different groups: our ummah, our families, men, women, american society, hell pretty much every society. there is this over-arching lack of faith and undermining of women (and their potential) in every society that is exemplified differently and at various levels. here, women are payed less then their male counterparts in the work force. women, be it literally or their image, are also used, manipulated, and sold in various ways all for the sake of making a buck. in saudi, women cannot be trusted with automobiles. and have no choice in how they choose to exercise their hijab, which successfully renders them "invisible" in the public sphere. i could go on and on, there are way too many examples to list here.

on a personal level, i've been getting more and more frustrated because i feel like those closest to me, my family, have a messed up perception about me and my capabilities because i'm female. while this is nothing new, its a pain in the ass to be around. my immediate family has never been a problem. on the contrary, i know i come from a line of strong women. both my mother and maternal grandmother were very strong women. i explained to my mom that i would call them both feminists (not of the burning-your-bra-growing-your-pit-hair-steinem ilk) but they definitely have always been feminists for their time and era. and it makes me immensely proud. though i'd never want to endure what they had to, it obviously made them to be strong women, and three generations later, that strength is still in their progeny.

its my extended family and other folks who give this impression that i'm weak. and not just me, just about any female. sometimes i've heard it very blatantly: "girls are just not as smart as guys, so what's the point with so much education?" thankfully, i haven't heard this so much and i understand its a very old school, motherland way of looking at things. but does it make it right? hell no. other times though, there are subtle things that imply that girls, young women, just don't know anything about the world, or how to think or make decisions.

as i am of "marriageable age" the topic comes up often. on several occasions though, whether it be about a particular guy or an issue (like to marry a FOB or not) i've heard many people tell my mom "oh just talk to her, make her understand." or "she's just a girl, she doesn't understand, once you explain, she'll change her mind." excuse you? but since when have i been a wishy-washy, flaky, can't-think-for-herself girl? i never was. so either we obviously haven't met, or you just don't know me and view me the same way you view other women my age. and who are you to assume that i don't know what i want? yes, i do understand that the older generations feel the need to advise the younger folks about life, but its a whole other thing to assume we don't know how to think. that we haven't thought about our decisions and what we want for our lives at all. so with one intense conversation, we'll "understand" (read= agree with you).

it really goes beyond all of this. why do we in our families and societies put such little faith in our women? or send repeated messages (however subtle) that we're not as smart, not as strong, etc. again, it varies from family to family (nor am i saying everyone is like this) but there is definitely an idea that girls are to stay close to home until they are married off. or expectations of what they may do career-wise are lower and just flat out not as important. there is a general notion that there is a "responsibility" over women, first within her family and then later with her husband and the family she marries into. so when is a woman responsible over herself, for herself? shouldn't she always have that?

shouldn't we raise our girls to be strong? in fact, i do believe women are stronger than men. (i'll save that for another entry, but i'm not saying they are better, just stronger) shouldnt they believe they can do anything? that their future is limitless, not bound by expectations (but their own). they should talk, carry themselves, and express themselves knowing they embody strength, the torchbearers of everything in this world. they are our teachers, our future, our past, and our conduits of nearly every aspect of society. if we all believed in this and expressed it, nurtured it in our families, our masjids, our schools, our offices how different would the world be? i understand the sociological reasons that explain this; yet i still, on a philosophical level, can't wrap my head around it. are we afraid? on one level i'd say yes. why would those who have privelege, power, or are "the norm" want to change the system? or how they view the other?

all i know is that i pray and hope (inshallah) to one day bring another girl into this dunya. i will give her my brown skin, my iman, my courage, my sparkling wit, my wisdom, and all my strength. i will raise her to be a soldado against the gales of doubt, haterism, and injustice. she'll be exponentially stronger than me and her foremothers, by necessity.

and she won't take shit, just like her mama.